By Claire Parsons
When everything got locked down in March, I was terrified and unsure like everyone else, but I didn’t resort to the typical worrying and overthinking to which I am prone. Instead, I remember thinking “Oh, this is like a meditation retreat. I can do this.” Afraid that others would misunderstand, I didn’t share this thought with anyone else. I have told people about retreats in the past and they invariably responded by saying “Oh, how relaxing” or “I bet that was restful!” But retreats really aren’t like that in my experience. While I have walked away from all of them feeling more peaceful and quiet in my soul, the retreats themselves have been filled with seemingly endless minutes of me encountering an obstacle, struggling against it with one form of resistance or another, and then learning —only after all efforts to avoid the inevitable had failed—the hard lesson that acceptance and care were the only real choices.
It was this that made me think social distancing was like a retreat. In much the same way, many of the normal distractions from life were suddenly gone and I had to cope with the experience and try to make the best of it. Thus, I didn’t think social distancing would be a vacation; I fully expected it to be hard. But, because I had beat my head against the proverbial wall in retreats enough, I had already experienced that resistance was often futile and made life more painful, not less. In other words, I knew that for lockdown, the same lesson from retreats was likely to hold true: acceptance and care were the only real choices.
So, when things started in March, as stunned and scared as I was, I knew that my job was not to always be calm or—as the internet recommended—to try to write a masterpiece as Shakespeare had done during the plague that closed the Globe Theater. Rather, my job was to be present with the reality of social distancing in a pandemic and to try to offer care where I could. What did this mean?
Well, as someone who is not predisposed to happiness and lightness and optimistic thinking, I knew that my own happiness had to be a priority. From retreats, I had learned that too much effort and strain led to a poor outlook and diminished motivation. I couldn’t risk this result during quarantine, since I knew my kids and husband depended on me in the house. I knew that my clients depended on me for answers. I knew that my friends and firm needed support from me just like I needed support from them. So, at first, while I was still trying to wrap my head around the situation that I was in, I tried to make my conditions as good as I could.
I clung to the practices that I knew kept my spirits up. I leaned on my exercise routine, not because I had delusions of avoiding weight gain but instead because my brain felt better and my body felt calmer after a sweat than it did without one. I played with my kids and made an effort to get them outside as much as possible, even though I often felt overwhelmed and strapped for time. While I knew virtual socializing was a poor substitute for in-person meetings, I organized ways to connect with friends. And, though it often came in fits and starts, I threw myself into writing, which I love. It is tempting to think of activities like these as indulgences that we permit ourselves to enjoy when all other obligations are fulfilled, but if I had not treated these “fun” activities as daily disciplines I think my work would have suffered tremendously.
By working to keep my outlook from turning towards the dark as it tends to do, I had the energy to do something far more important: help other people. As a lawyer, it is my job to serve my clients and I take pride in being able to fight battles so they don’t have to. It can be devastating for people accustomed to solving problems on a regular basis to be in the midst of so much pain and fear and feel unable to do anything about it. My answer to this was to take every opportunity I could to help someone else. I donated to random causes and tried to support as many local businesses as I could. I talked friends through stresses, though I had many of my own to manage. And I even organized and participated in events about things I cared about, including one to help lawyers learn to litigate cases remotely, another to encourage introverted lawyers to network, and several more on mindfulness topics for professionals and lawyers.
At first, everything was a mess since I had no real workspace, and my lack of schedule ravaged my sleep cycle. In addition, at times I did too much. I was not as organized as I should have been and I stressed myself out by committing to too many obligations. But once I forgave myself, updated my home office, and learned some new organizational strategies, I was grateful for the many obligations. I was glad to have ways to offer help outside of my law practice.
I was in a global pandemic in a comfortable neighborhood in a beautiful state in America. I could make my circumstances comfortable enough to just check out with Kroger ClickList, Amazon Prime, and Netflix, and if you review my credit card statement you will see that I often tried. But the one thing those services can’t offer is feeling good about yourself when you look in the mirror and feeling good about the world when you watch the news. I don’t think social distance and our culture’s distressing underappreciation for caregivers are the only reasons that the pandemic has wreaked havoc on our mental health. I think some of it comes from missing out on ways to help others. Without that, our only option is to sit and watch as things seem to crumble around us.
That is why acceptance is only part of the lesson I wish to relate here. Acceptance is just one piece. Acceptance is very important but by itself it leads to despair and apathy. Thus, the lesson I feel impressed to reiterate is that acceptance and care are the only real choices. Acceptance AND care. It is, you see, the care that saves the day. Acceptance helps you see the situation for what it is, but care is what helps you do something about it. Together, they are hope and power and, in my case, happiness.
My care was not enough to change the course of the world and certainly not enough to stop the spread of a pandemic but it was enough to make an impression in my little circle of it. It was enough to offer some strategies that friends and colleagues might use to keep pursuing their goals, feel more confident or optimistic, or just get some peace in their own minds. In short, I had a way—even if it was a small one—that I didn’t just have to sit and watch. I had something helpful to do and that meant everything to me.
As many of us head into what appears to be quarantine round 2, I offer this in the hopes that perhaps you don’t have to beat your head against the wall as much as I have had to do in my own life. Acceptance and care are often the only real choices on retreats, in a pandemic, and many times in life. Sometimes that may mean your acceptance looks like rage and loneliness and despair and that’s okay. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t there on some days too. But if you don’t run from that and you sit with it for a while and give yourself what you need, the care comes in, it awakens your heart, and tells what you can do to help. I hope you listen because there’s so much work to be done. I’m glad I did. Having a way to help brought me back to happiness because it brought me back to people. If this next round of lockdown is like a meditation retreat, what do acceptance and care look like for you?
Claire E. Parsons is an attorney with an active local government and litigation practice in Kentucky and Ohio. She is also the mom of two daughters, an active community leader, and a prolific writer. In 2013, Claire started a meditation practice to manage stress and it transformed her life and law practice. Since then, she has written and spoken for local, state, and national organizations mindfulness for attorneys and other professionals and she is currently working to obtain a meditation teacher certification from The Mindfulness Center. Claire frequently posts on LinkedIn about mindfulness, networking, and everything in between and she welcomes new connections and follows. You can find her profile here https://www.linkedin.com/in/claireeparsons/.